Hearing God

Posted on May 16, 2012 by

Wow! It’s been almost a month since the last post. I have been fine, just busy and working on some other writing … can’t tell you about it just now. shhh… but tonight during a bible study I help lead – I knew I had to write about how I have been hearing God. We all need to know and realize that God IS active. He isn’t just a great creator who shaped this amazing world we live in, created our intricate brains and bodies from dust, thought up silly creatures such as platypus’ and penguins. He is active. He is loving. He is still speaking to us today!

I have been having conversations with God on a regular basis lately. And I love it. I even argue with him (shocker to those who know me, eh?). A recent conversation centered around some writing I am now doing. I argued that I wasn’t talented enough, had no ideas, didn’t know where to start, wasn’t sure how to outline it… Any and every excuse I could thank of! God countered every. single. one. I ran out of excuses so now I am trying to be obedient.

Previously I have written about being under a black cloud and one I asked for strong winds to blow all the depression away. Tonight in bible study we read Romans 8:1-2. They are familiar verses to many:

 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.  (RSV)

Pretty powerful. If we are in Jesus – we are FREE!  This was not a new concept to me. Almost easy to shrug off. But then on of the gals read the Message version:

With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. 

An EXACT response to my pleas from a month and more ago. Word for word!! The black cloud, though thinner and not as oppressive is still there. But God has promised to clear the air – like a strong wind! WOW!!!!

God is good. He is active and talking to us … all the time. We just need to listen.

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She Speaks

Posted on April 18, 2012 by

 “She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”  Proverbs 31:26

The She Speaks Conference is a life-changing conference for women seeking to step out in the passion God has placed on their heart.

Hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries (501(c)3), She Speaks encourages and equips women to make the most of their messages, communicating God’s Word through:

She Writes: (Writers Track) From basic writing guidelines to preparing an article or manuscript for submission, and everything in between. In addition, the opportunity to meet one-on-one with some of the top editors, publishers, and literary agents in the Christian market.

She Speaks: (Speakers Track) Whether speaking in a large arena or leading Bible studies in church, participants will be equipped with the tools needed to effectively share the Word of God, create a bio sheet, market her ministry, and give successful presentations.

The Lord has laid it on my heart to attend She Speaks in July 2012. My first step is to raise funds.  Will you prayerfully consider partnering with me through a financial contribution towards a scholarship?

As you feel led to join me in this exciting call, there are two ways to participate.

1) Call Proverbs 31 Ministries at 877-731-4663 to contribute by credit card; or

2) send a check payable to Proverbs 31 Ministries to:

Proverbs 31 Ministries
She Speaks Scholarship/Chris Kramer
616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road
Matthews, NC 28105

Please be sure to designate the scholarship in my name in order to credit my scholarship fund. 

You will be receipted for your tax-deductible donation. 

For more information: www.shespeaksconference.com.

 Thank you for your prayers and support.

Blessings,  Chris

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Following

Posted on April 17, 2012 by

Recently, we were driving down a rural two lane highway. Hubby was driving and I was just looking out the window.  I like to be in control and when someone else is driving, I am clearly not in control. As the kids say, “Mommy likes to zoom-zoom. Daddy likes to putt-putt.” We were behind a large panel truck going right at or just below the speed limit. If I had been driving, I would have passed the truck at the first opportunity. Not hubby.  I could feel my impatience rising. But I kept silent and looked out the window and twisted a ponytail holder in my fingers.

I am staring at the blank white back of the truck. Wishing I could see around it. See where we are going. What is ahead. Then it hit me. A quiet voice that I don’t hear too often and didn’t immediately recognize or acknowledge saying, “This is how life should be. You can see enough.” A few miles down the road, it clicked.

Driving behind the truck, I could see enough to be safe. The immediate path in front of me. I can look out the window and see the beauty beside me and am amazed at the beauty of creation. This how life should be. If we follow God, he will provide a “lamp for my feet and a light unto my path.” Psalm 119:105.

This lamp doesn’t light the entire path, but enough to take the next step or two. Just like the truck in front of us. We could see enough in front of us. If we trust God and follow him – he will lead us along the right path. One section at a time.

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into the dump

Posted on April 11, 2012 by

Last week I did one of the hardest things. Ever.

First we drove to Florida to take the kids to visit grandparents over spring break.  ’It’ was in my pocket. Every so often I’d take it out and hold it in my hand. Feel the smooth metal and bumps and curves. Run my fingers over the engraving on the sides. I don’t if Hubby knew I had it with me or not. It was my secret. After dropping off the kids, we headed toward Panama City Beach. A couple of nights of ‘us’ time.  A very rare treat. We were taking advantage of military retirement benefits and staying in Lodging on a base with a beach. As we walked along the beach, I held it in my hand. Thought of tossing it in the waves while watching God paint the sky in vivid hues.  But back into my pocket it went.

The next morning, we woke to rain. I finally told Hubby about it and my thought last night. He offered to walk back out to the beach. In the rain. To help me complete the task. I suggested driving into Panama City Beach and walking to the end of the pier.  We drove in the bumper to bumper spring break traffic (never again!!), found a pier and prepared to walk to the end. Only to find a gate. And a fee. And no cash on either of us. Part of me was very relieved. Part was getting frustrated at being almost ready and having imagined opportunities disappear at every stop.

We found another pier. Ate lunch and I found $4 in my wallet.  Just enough to get on the pier. I touched my pocket and kept silent. Hubby was intent on getting on the road and out of the chaos. I just kept silent. And tormented myself.  Until we arrived back home at 4am.

The next day I told Hubby about the war in my head and what I didn’t say.  I also told him that a friend suggested throwing it into the dump. Hubby agreed that was a good idea.  We made a plan.  We were digging up hawthorn bushes in the yard and throwing them away. The plan was to take the bushes to the local satellite landfill and toss it in and leave. That plan went awry. The place didn’t take yard waste. And the main landfills were closed for the day. I started crying. Why was this so hard???

The next morning we woke up early to go to the landfill. I was terrified. What if I couldn’t follow through? What if they were closed for Good Friday? We programmed the GPS with the address and set out in two cars. I was leading and he had the GPS. Smart, right?  We got lost and ended up in the next town. More delay. Finally the one with the GPS took the lead.  We drove and drove and drove down a two lane road. Finally we saw the landfill on the left. And the gates were closed. There was a faded sign off to the side that pointed to the entrance down the road. So we continued.   Then we turned into an open gate. This was not the entrance. This was the place for dumping dead animals. The air was filled with the smell of rotting flesh. There was a dumpster to back up to and Hubby looked in. The bottom was covered with dead chickens. [I stayed back and only got a glimpse of a chicken foot sticking up in the air.]  He tossed the bushes into the dumpster with the chickens.  Not technically where we were to put them, but we didn’t want to delay anymore.

I stood off the side with it in my hand. Feeling the curves. The smoothness. The initials – LDK – and the date – 1-24-04 – etched on the side. Hubby was trying to encourage and reassure me. Tears were silently streaming down my face. My arms went forward, but my fingers didn’t let it go. I tried again. And again. And again. Six false starts and it flies from my fingers.

Peapod, what some called an idol, I saw as a tangible connection to our son who died. I wore it everyday for 7 years to keep him close to my heart. The past year it has gone in and out of my possession. my control. And every time it was in my control the dark cloud of depression descended upon me. I tried to deny it. Ignore it. But … I couldn’t ignore the truth.

Peapod is gone. Into the dump with the dead chickens. I will never have control over it again. I gave that up on Good Friday. I tossed Peapod into the dump and felt a piece of my heart rip out with it. Now I am praying that God will fill that space with his light and love and blow the cloud of depression far away as I grieve this loss. As I let go.

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Henri Nouwen – Pain

Posted on March 30, 2012 by

“As long as you keep pointing to the specifics, you will miss the full meaning of your pain. You will deceive yourself into believing that if the people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist. This might be partly true, but the deeper truth is that the situation which brought about your pain was simply the form in which you came in touch with the human condition of suffering. Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity.

Paradoxically, therefore, healing means moving from YOUR pain to THE pain. When you keep focusing on the specific circumstances of your pain, you easily become angry, resentful, and even vindictive. You are inclined to do something about the externals of your pain in order to relieve it; this explains why you often seek revenge. But real healing comes from realizing that your particular pain is a share in humanity’s pain. That realization allows you to forgive your enemies and enter into a truly compassionate life.” ~ Henri Nouwen

I have been sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Isolating myself from everyone. Letting the darkness wash over me in waves that feel like they are tossing me around. Breathing is hard. Sleep is elusive. Concentration is almost non-existent. Yesterday I met with a friend and then my counselor then led a bible study through Celebrate Recovery. Lots of tears. My brain is mushier than normal these days. I did visit a new psychiatrist and he is trying new meds, but it’s only been a week.  I have also been challenged by a friend to get rid of the peapod - he thinks it is an idol.  The very thought of it pains me.

As I read this passage, the part about the pain I experience is the concrete way I experience the pain of humanity struck me. I have done my share of the ‘if onlys’ … if only I hadn’t gone on that blind date, if only I had woken up my parents, if only I hadn’t had so much to drink, if only I had made the doctors change the monitor, if only, if only, if only … I have been angry – furious even at myself. I have been guilty of reacting externally to the internal pain. But through counseling, prayer, healing, I am learning that much of the trauma I experienced at the core of my pain was not my fault and I could have done nothing about it. All of humanity has free will and by being human, we are sometimes victims of others’ sinful actions. Or even negligence.

My pain is not gone. But I am beginning to see it in a different perspective.  I am slowly releasing the anger and learning to forgive those that caused the pain. I have even followed the Celebrate Recovery steps and made a true amends with one. Wrote a very difficult letter to one and asked for forgiveness as well as offered forgiveness. A weight was lifted off my heart. Yes – horrible things happened, but God is holding me in his hand and giving me a future.

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Can God Hate?

Posted on March 23, 2012 by

We were talking recently in bible study about the fact that if God Is Love – can he hate? I looked up ‘hate’ in the bible  in relation to God.  Essentially – God hates sin. He also hates bringing offerings to him while still openly sinning. The Old Testament talked more of what God hated. In the New Testament there were more warnings that Christians will be hated for their faith and beliefs.  There are two main words for hate and a slew of words for abhor, abomination, detestable, loathe – all words to indicate a pretty significant dislike of a person, action or event.  So to answer the title question – Can God hate? Yes.

Here are some of the scriptures that I found:

Leviticus 20:13 – God hates (Tow’ebah – ) a man lying with another man as his wife.

Leviticus 26:30 – God telling his people that if they do not follow the law, he will hate (Ga’al) them.

Psalm 5:5 – God hates (Sane’) all who do wrong.

Psalm 5:6 – God hates/abhors (Ta’ab) murderers and those who cheat others

Psalm 11:5 – God hates (Sane’) the wicked and those who love violence

Isaiah 1:13, 14 – God hates (tow’ebah, sane’) the offering of the people while they are still sinning

Isaiah 61:8 – God hates (Sane’) robbery for burnt offering.

Jeremiah 44:4 – God hates (Sane) those that don’t obey and still burn incense to there gods.

Hosea 9:15 – God hated (Sane’) the wicked and evildoers in Gilgal.

Amos 5:21 – God hates (Sane’) feast days because Israel continues to worship other gods.

Zechariah 8:16-17 -  ”These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts;  do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not love to swear falsely. I hate  (Sane’) all this,” declares the LORD. “

Malachi 2:16 – God hates (Sane’) divorce and those covering your garment with violence.

Malachi 1:3 / Romans 9:23 – God hated (Sane’ / Miseo) Esau.

Revelations 2:6 – God hated (Miseo) the actions of the Nicolatians.

Ba’ash – used in some translations instead of hate – abhor, to have a bad smell, to stink, to be odious, of wickedness. Also translated as stink, abhor, abomination, loathsome, utterly, stinking savor

Sane’ – means to hate. Also translated as enemy, foe, (used 146 times in bible)

Sheqets -Abomination -  detestable thing or idols, an unclean thing,

Tow’ebah – abomination – a disgusting thing in a ritual or ethical sense.

Ga’al – abhor, loathe, vilely cast away, to be defiled, show aversion, cast away

Sin’ah – hate, hating, hatred, of man or God, from Sane’ (above)

Miseo – hate, pursue with hatred, detest

Ta’ab – to abhor, be abominable, be detested, in a ritual and ethical sense, to loathe

Tow’ebah – a disgusting thing, abomination, abominable.

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Need some strong winds

Posted on March 20, 2012 by

Strong stationary low system hanging over my head.

Strong depression stalled in me.

I feel like a weather report and I need a strong wind to come along and blow it all away!  For the past several weeks the depression has been getting stronger and stronger and deeper and darker. I am scared. When I am scared and down and sinking, my default is to hide. To avoid people at all costs. Unfortunately, I can’t hide in bed under the covers or completely avoid all people. Or go on an individual retreat to some solitary place.  I have to work. I have meetings and other commitments. I have appointments. I have kids. And a husband. and dogs.

And no energy to keep faking it. I am worn out.

Pastor’s sermon this week  talked about Shadrach, Meshach and Abindigo and the fiery furnace. He suggested when faced with challenges we 1)Don’t fight 2)Don’t bow and 3) Do trust. If I don’t fight, I will sink. Not bowing is easy – except when the weight of it all is so heavy it is crushing. And trust … that word of the year. Something I find so hard to do.

Several weeks ago (actually over a month ago) I wrote a prayer asking for healing. Believing that God will heal me. I prayed that with a few folks and then asked them to continue praying and to remind me of the prayer and of who I truly am when/if they noticed I was slipping again. I must be doing a great job of faking or hiding or folks are too busy.

Later this week I go to a new psychiatrist. The last one too about 5 minutes for the first visit and less than 3 minutes for the follow-ups. Needless to say, I quit going to her. My PCP will not adjust my meds, but she did agree to keep refilling as long I was seeing my counselor. Now my counselor thinks I need an adjustment to my meds. This means I needed to find a new psychiatrist – that took my insurance and wasn’t a 45 minute drive away. She knew of one she respected and had referred others too with good success. In the way that only God works – she called his office and got me in for this week! Apparently the first appt is typically an hour to get a full history and typically takes weeks to get scheduled!  My counselor says he is really good with chemical stuff. She thinks my increasing depression is due to my current meds not working effectively anymore. (insert childish pout) I really don’t want to take more meds.

Why can’t I be normal? Or have something more socially acceptable than a mental illness going on? Why can’t I have a couple of days in bed? I haven’t been able to concentrate to read. Writing (except here from time to time) is too difficult. I can’t focus. I am constantly fuzzy headed. I am tired. So tired.

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and it continues

Posted on March 16, 2012 by

Went to a prayer service tonight for South Sudan. The country is on the cusp of true famine. The rainy season is approaching and the roads will become unpassable. Meaning that aid will not be able to reach the many, many refugees in the Nuba Mountains on the border with North Sudan. Please pray for these people and the many who are working to help provide sustenance to help them live.

Praying for these people was easy. However, we had a time where all 30+ were praying in hushed tones … everyone talking at once … it was chaotic sounding and if my hands weren’t being held down (ok -I was just holding hands with those on either side of me – but I couldn’t release them) I would have covered my ears to drown out the noise. It was the sound of what I hear when I hear all the voices and lies in my head. And like when it is in my head – I couldn’t stop it. I was stuck and unable to escape.

Afterwards – we were invited to stay and pray. I was going to leave with the boy, but I was drawn back into the sanctuary. I sent the boy out to wait and play his game and slipped back into the last row and held my head in my hands. I did plug my ears this time.  I couldn’t handle the murmurings. The quiet whispers. I tried to pray. Instead tears came and I then tried to draw them back in. And I had no words. I couldn’t pray.

and the darkness continues to descend …

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help?

Posted on March 14, 2012 by

Today I asked a friend if we could find some time to pray together.

I also wanted to ask a couple of other folks to pray with me too.

But none of it happened.

My pride got in the way. And my fear. And lack of trust

Pride – asking for others to pray with me is admitting that I am not ok. That the darkness is descending and I can’t fight it alone. I need others to pray with me. Pray healing prayers over me. Intercede for me since I don’t even know what to pray now. I guess I just hoped that I was healing.

Fear – that I will reach that lowest of lows again. And be completely alone. As this depression overtakes me again and I am unable to fight.

Lack of Trust – do I really trust God to heal me? Why do I have such a lack of trust?

Now what? Do I really have the strength to reach out and ask for help praying? I don’t want to have people just say, “I’m praying for you.” I wanted to have a few people praying with me. Maybe laying hands on me (maybe!). Pray for healing. With me. But …

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